It has been 12 days since my father passed... 12 days ago, I felt the most agonizing pain I have ever felt in life. Each day, it gets a little easier. I could best describe these last 12 days as taking 2 steps forward then one step back, repeating that pattern. The first 2 days, I thought I was going insane. Crying uncontrollably one moment, then fine the next. I feel like a piece of me died that will never come back. But strangely, in some way, I feel as if I was also reborn. As if this is a new lift. A piece of me died, and another piece of me was born... Bitter sweet.
Often, I stare at this blank canvas my father left me, along with the other art supplies. My father was such a talented artist. I look at the blank canvas... I stare at the blank canvas. I wonder what to do with it. Each day, it speaks to me. Even though I haven't yet painted on it, I have already invisioned how wonderful this piece of art will be, once I do. The vision is so vivid in my mind. While moving it around the house, the canvas got a few smudges of dirt on it. Many might think that is good reason to trash it and buy another one, but not me. I think those smudges of dirt add character. I intend to work around those smudges and make those smudges beautiful.
Nothing that happens to this canvas can convince me that it isn't just as good, if not better than a new, clean one. My heart has already spoken, so the decision is made. This canvas is destined for greatness.
Despite everything I have been through, being raped, being in abusive relationships, abusing myself because I thought that was what I deserved, experiencing homelessness and being without food, all of the bad decisions I have made, I am still destined for greatness. My flaws, mistakes, the pain I have felt so many times. Despite how painful these experiences were, all of them played a big part in who I am today.
I wasn't always so optimistic. As I was growing up, I didn't see the beauty in myself. Especially after I was raped. I felt like the things I had done and been through made me worthless. But my Father...BOTH of them...begged to differ. Despite those smudges of dirt, they saw the beauty in me... Mm... Amazing.
It's time for me to start on this canvas. I'm excited to see what the ending outcome will be, but I already know, it will be nothing less than amazing.
I love you Papa...