tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34900331454909147082023-11-16T10:13:00.838-08:0025 and UpA toast to the Grown, Ambitious, Empowering. Helping each other enjoy the best years of our lifeKayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10706908994040931540noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3490033145490914708.post-15015596732982551402017-12-28T17:09:00.001-08:002017-12-28T17:09:44.549-08:00Goodbye 2017<p dir="ltr">2017 was my year. My year for cutting off dead ends and dropping dead weight. I do feel lighter but there were a couple relationships I had to let go that were not easy to cut lose at all. It was painful actually. There are still remnants of pain for the loss but I know it's for the best..</p>
<p dir="ltr">2017 was very eye opening for me, but not just about the people I was associating with. I, took a look inside myself. I am 32 years old. Somewhere in those 32 years, I lost myself and allowed my dreams to die. When God created me, he spun me with vibrant fibers of creativity. Music runs through my veins. I see the beauty in everything I see. But year by year, corporate job by corporate job, my light got dimmer. My dreams weren't as exciting and I became deathly comfortable in my day to day routine of clock in/clock out. I lost my desire to make my unique mark in this world and accepted the idea of blending in with the masses. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Will Smith once said that being realistic is the ultimate dream killer. No one who ever made a mark in this world did it by being realistic. "Building a vehicle and throwing it across the air with a bunch of people in it, to go from place to place wasn't realistic, but the Wright Brothers did it. Being able to talk to someone across the world through a piece of plastic wasn't realistic, but Alexander Graham Bell made it reality when he invented the telephone." The plans I have for myself are far from realistic. I used to wish God had put something in my heart with a clearer plan like being a doctor or teacher. But this year, I just got fed up with trying to fit myself in a box. I will never be that person. And apparently, God has had enough of me settling too because he has lit a fire in my soul. Every day, every hour, I'm thinking about the steps I need to take to pursue my dreams. I sometimes have trouble sleeping at night because I can't stop thinking about His purpose for me. I fight the feelings of doubt "I'm too old. It's too late. I can't pursue my dreams now because I'm a mom (Hi Taraji Henson 👋. She was a single mom, packed up her and her son and went to California with nothing but a car full of clothes and a dream.) God didn't create me to clock in every day and work to keep someone else's dream going. Not saying there's anything wrong with having a job but we aren't meant to settle for that. Do what you have to do to make ends meet but don't become so comfortable that your only goal is to get through another week of work. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I've never really been the person to make New Years Resolutions but this year, I don't think God is leaving me a choice. The desire to be all I can be and be who I am supposed to be, has been placed in my heart. I tried to ignore it but it's too loud. It's going to be hard, I know. I may even lose some people along the way who don't believe in me. But the only person I need to believe in me, is me.</p>
<p dir="ltr">2017, you were my year of growing pains. I learned so much in a short amount of time. And I'm forever grateful. I'm leaving some things and people behind. But I'm ready for the next chapter.</p>
<p dir="ltr">2018, I'm ready.</p>
Kayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10706908994040931540noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3490033145490914708.post-24745946582029774232016-04-28T20:37:00.000-07:002016-04-28T20:37:33.675-07:00Out of the shadows, into the light<div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCX244288479" style="margin-left: 0px;">
<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;">"You tried to change didn't you?</span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> </span></div>
</div>
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<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;">Closed your mouth more</span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> </span></div>
</div>
<div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCX244288479" style="margin-left: 0px;">
<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;">Tried to be softer</span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> </span></div>
</div>
<div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCX244288479" style="margin-left: 0px;">
<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;">Prettier</span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> </span></div>
</div>
<div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCX244288479" style="margin-left: 0px;">
<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;">Less volatile, less awake</span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> </span></div>
</div>
<div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCX244288479" style="margin-left: 0px;">
<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;">But even when sleeping you could feel</span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> </span></div>
</div>
<div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCX244288479" style="margin-left: 0px;">
<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;">Him traveling away from you in his dreams</span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> </span></div>
</div>
<div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCX244288479" style="margin-left: 0px;">
<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;">So what did you want to do love</span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> </span></div>
</div>
<div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCX244288479" style="margin-left: 0px;">
<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;">Split his head open?</span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> </span></div>
</div>
<div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCX244288479" style="margin-left: 0px;">
<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;">You can't make homes out of human beings</span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> </span></div>
</div>
<div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCX244288479" style="margin-left: 0px;">
<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;">Someone should have already told you that</span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> </span></div>
</div>
<div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCX244288479" style="margin-left: 0px;">
<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;">And if he wants to leave</span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> </span></div>
</div>
<div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCX244288479" style="margin-left: 0px;">
<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;">The let him leave</span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> </span></div>
</div>
<div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCX244288479" style="margin-left: 0px;">
<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;">You are terrifying</span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> </span></div>
</div>
<div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCX244288479" style="margin-left: 0px;">
<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;">And strange and beautiful</span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> </span></div>
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<div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCX244288479" style="margin-left: 0px;">
<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;">Something not everyone knows how to love."</span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> </span></div>
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<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;"></span></span> </div>
<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;"><span style="color: black;">-</span>Warsan Shire</span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> </span></div>
<span class="ListGhost SCX244288479"></span><br /></div>
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<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;"></span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> </span></div>
<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"></span> </div>
</div>
<div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCX244288479" style="margin-left: 0px;">
<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;">Oh, how this was me… Trying to change myself once I saw he didn't want to be with me. Nothing I did made him happy. Everything I did disappointed him. I tiptoed around in his presence as if I were surrounded by landmines…and I was. Each time I stepped on one, his explosion would take one of my limbs, piece by piece, until there was no more left of me. Looking in the mirror, I felt ugly and unrecognizable. Who is this person? Hearing my name was now like hearing one of a stranger. When people asked my interests, I uttered those of his and claimed them as my own because I no longer knew what I liked. All I knew was that what I once liked was not acceptable to him, therefore, something to be ashamed of. My goals were unrealistic, my dreams were ridiculous. To him, my only purpose in life was to be in his shadows as he lived. No identity of my own…But even as I did that, it still wasn't enough. I was never enough. I was never enough for him from the beginning because I am not the piece missing from his puzzle that he seeks in others; the piece he will never find unless he looks </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;">within himself</span></span><span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;">, but I am no different. I tried to complete myself with him too. At the end of the day, we were two different puzzles trying to put each others pieces together, and you and I know from our childhood that that never works, no matter how hard you try to jam those pieces together. </span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> </span></div>
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<div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCX244288479" style="margin-left: 0px;">
<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;"></span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> </span></div>
</div>
<div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCX244288479" style="margin-left: 0px;">
<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;">I have finally found my pieces… My puzzle isn't complete but I'm working on that. I am no longer trying to take pieces from others and expect them to fit. My pieces have nothing to do with finding someone, being in a relationship and/or making someone else happy. This is not even about my children. This is my moment to be 'selfish', if that's what you want to call it. How can I teach my children to love themselves, if I do not love myself? How can I tell them that their happiness is not determined by someone else, if that isn't truly what I believe? Reality is, I cannot take care of them unless I first take care of myself. Unfortunately, he is still asking me for pieces in the form of answers as to why we didn't work. I try so hard to explain to him that he's focused on the wrong thing but, he just doesn't get it… We cannot look at the hardships in life and look for someone to blame it on. As much as I dislike the way I was treated in this relationship, I had to ask myself, why I stayed in it so long. He wasn't the only one mistreating me… I was too…. Until I addressed that issue, I was bound to repeat the past because my only focus was 'he treated me badly.' I was not only a victim of him but of myself. </span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> </span></div>
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<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;"></span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> </span></div>
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<div class="Paragraph SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US">
<span class="TextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: transparent; color: #181818; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX244288479" style="background-color: inherit;">I thank God that I have been delivered from such a destructive state of mind that I was once in. I still have a long way to go, but I am in no rush. Of course, I want to reach my destination, but I have fallen in love with the journey to get there. I like to see myself heal. The memories of my mistakes are no longer something I try to push out of my mind because I am ashamed of them but instead, they are milestones on my timeline to measure my progress and how far I have come. </span></span><span class="EOP SCX244288479" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 17px;"> And I am proud of that... I no longer seek others to be proud for me.</span></div>
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Kayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10706908994040931540noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3490033145490914708.post-59200386583223143232013-05-24T21:55:00.000-07:002016-04-28T20:15:32.933-07:00The talking Canvas (Dedicated to My Father)It has been 12 days since my father passed... 12 days ago, I felt the most agonizing pain I have ever felt in life. Each day, it gets a little easier. I could best describe these last 12 days as taking 2 steps forward then one step back, repeating that pattern. The first 2 days, I thought I was going insane. Crying uncontrollably one moment, then fine the next. I feel like a piece of me died that will never come back. But strangely, in some way, I feel as if I was also reborn. As if this is a new lift. A piece of me died, and another piece of me was born... Bitter sweet.<br />
<br />
Often, I stare at this blank canvas my father left me, along with the other art supplies. My father was such a talented artist. I look at the blank canvas... I stare at the blank canvas. I wonder what to do with it. Each day, it speaks to me. Even though I haven't yet painted on it, I have already invisioned how wonderful this piece of art will be, once I do. The vision is so vivid in my mind. While moving it around the house, the canvas got a few smudges of dirt on it. Many might think that is good reason to trash it and buy another one, but not me. I think those smudges of dirt add character. I intend to work around those smudges and make those smudges beautiful.<br />
Nothing that happens to this canvas can convince me that it isn't just as good, if not better than a new, clean one. My heart has already spoken, so the decision is made. This canvas is destined for greatness.<br />
Despite everything I have been through, being raped, being in abusive relationships, abusing <em>myself </em>because I thought that was what I deserved, experiencing homelessness and being without food, all of the bad decisions I have made, I am still destined for greatness. My flaws, mistakes, the pain I have felt so many times. Despite how painful these experiences were, all of them played a big part in who I am today. <br />
<br />
I wasn't always so optimistic. As I was growing up, I didn't see the beauty in myself. Especially after I was raped. I felt like the things I had done and been through made me worthless. But my Father...BOTH of them...begged to differ. Despite those smudges of dirt, they saw the beauty in me... Mm... Amazing.<br />
<br />
It's time for me to start on this canvas. I'm excited to see what the ending outcome will be, but I already know, it will be nothing less than amazing.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I love you Papa...<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8M99XpRqCge5E0pZWU4lC-bZyQ7j3TrFkgu3HuxwvUOGCdPh8gpp8e8PdhQCS0sEGS_7rz7emqh1kNMLBmUzRZb0uPREdSRJS-ChhLoTJrx-dkJPIf-Je0ikCDJN_PCqBAchML24y3WJZ/s1600/Screenshot_2013-05-25-00-14-01.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8M99XpRqCge5E0pZWU4lC-bZyQ7j3TrFkgu3HuxwvUOGCdPh8gpp8e8PdhQCS0sEGS_7rz7emqh1kNMLBmUzRZb0uPREdSRJS-ChhLoTJrx-dkJPIf-Je0ikCDJN_PCqBAchML24y3WJZ/s320/Screenshot_2013-05-25-00-14-01.png" width="180" /></a></div>
Kayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10706908994040931540noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3490033145490914708.post-75123717125979501122009-03-29T13:25:00.000-07:002009-03-29T13:57:08.910-07:00My time in NYCI took hundreds of pictures in NY, but I just wanted to show you guys a few that I took and I love. Might post more later.<br /><div><div><div><div><div><div><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiJT5Att0gV7MWlMFJRhjdXRl-lZYLYHvIx2mn5olJuXAaBlYeqmW3fwX2BFWTDgfQAfdaGN6CI7qixXHCH3CfQg-0AqajJ_nkZfX3DKEkXFV2eFpiqiqiWyvYiUw-5EdMwA7IwLyH4sFH/s1600-h/Picture+044.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5318709336710255906" style="WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiJT5Att0gV7MWlMFJRhjdXRl-lZYLYHvIx2mn5olJuXAaBlYeqmW3fwX2BFWTDgfQAfdaGN6CI7qixXHCH3CfQg-0AqajJ_nkZfX3DKEkXFV2eFpiqiqiWyvYiUw-5EdMwA7IwLyH4sFH/s320/Picture+044.jpg" border="0" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLsSDBrmiALHUOZICXfIueNE47b3eB6DXkLspyo3COtZ1SaRwqp6qBXzckIFjHYG98ZfADWwmxLwOGdkkOJXk8UOlcQSlq79cM9IdpcRgFK3QQkGeRBWW7hIhefHTciWW75VE1h-OOFs1p/s1600-h/Picture+020.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5318709061324087522" style="WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLsSDBrmiALHUOZICXfIueNE47b3eB6DXkLspyo3COtZ1SaRwqp6qBXzckIFjHYG98ZfADWwmxLwOGdkkOJXk8UOlcQSlq79cM9IdpcRgFK3QQkGeRBWW7hIhefHTciWW75VE1h-OOFs1p/s320/Picture+020.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /></div><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigvDzxkW85W5xjPFwsWYjJsu7CJgA5ocbwms63jZIDRaSK8D3OuZ1DgOk37CyBBNsglL74L_a3QzsTk8ohKj9EM48-bDEIEJJGv5utYPE5yWUZRuf3cG5uZpNYAppFJ3GZowLSnXaTGDb6/s1600-h/Picture+055.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5318709935915633506" style="WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigvDzxkW85W5xjPFwsWYjJsu7CJgA5ocbwms63jZIDRaSK8D3OuZ1DgOk37CyBBNsglL74L_a3QzsTk8ohKj9EM48-bDEIEJJGv5utYPE5yWUZRuf3cG5uZpNYAppFJ3GZowLSnXaTGDb6/s320/Picture+055.jpg" border="0" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9QjLqtzkEYgdkpm4g9Hxp1JYQZvqrmeL0zMZXE6PicHL8kvR1OePyrWNkAWWB22yAKIL_hrsstvZ3dB_W0NWOeko1MzVgFrM8DJKxtTvzOzhV0byoWXGgS5PnxgRj-sFpw1qrTZ3J8YNL/s1600-h/Picture+057.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5318711166815045922" style="WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9QjLqtzkEYgdkpm4g9Hxp1JYQZvqrmeL0zMZXE6PicHL8kvR1OePyrWNkAWWB22yAKIL_hrsstvZ3dB_W0NWOeko1MzVgFrM8DJKxtTvzOzhV0byoWXGgS5PnxgRj-sFpw1qrTZ3J8YNL/s320/Picture+057.jpg" border="0" /></a></div><div> </div><div>Below are some picture of my kids</div><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDbo3DOOjmE2rM0eV63d0WO2F8D6mRfVLCBdQt6AsZRS3kaaIUs-LCfUNE4PlMflwoG3vw5fqBGjWEkNk88AU-Qg_dUKb-MfmG1tIlftAvTpo8skeFVjZ_rXlWTjASeTBYjp-C7aYB7bms/s1600-h/Picture+067.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5318713817567886258" style="WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDbo3DOOjmE2rM0eV63d0WO2F8D6mRfVLCBdQt6AsZRS3kaaIUs-LCfUNE4PlMflwoG3vw5fqBGjWEkNk88AU-Qg_dUKb-MfmG1tIlftAvTpo8skeFVjZ_rXlWTjASeTBYjp-C7aYB7bms/s320/Picture+067.jpg" border="0" /></a> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirzURWGrb5IoVKccATfBctsZjlF0IZ8vRGqWcTWA_g3IPQ5rPx4NURgUNk9hdN8W2BfTDY45SzU1m2-dyK3liGK_e5FaWpueEG3hNrbjf_FhJ17__f-M4423MIq_dtz8DAYTf2jF2F4VKR/s1600-h/Picture+069.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5318714269936611218" style="WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirzURWGrb5IoVKccATfBctsZjlF0IZ8vRGqWcTWA_g3IPQ5rPx4NURgUNk9hdN8W2BfTDY45SzU1m2-dyK3liGK_e5FaWpueEG3hNrbjf_FhJ17__f-M4423MIq_dtz8DAYTf2jF2F4VKR/s320/Picture+069.jpg" border="0" /></a></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5lmUgnczp2U_QiuPtlCEAVyzYOC_DnXcnZIBW3m4dMBzDYPgW2TE8B17oXN7Q6tqhJ1zBa9CQS5mo7MXffBhyphenhyphen77ozS-frp9wsss8UKfgIJqctD-5obS5xjLUR_zpKab7-7V4PWuU0jDhX/s1600-h/Picture+013.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5318714613623799906" style="WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5lmUgnczp2U_QiuPtlCEAVyzYOC_DnXcnZIBW3m4dMBzDYPgW2TE8B17oXN7Q6tqhJ1zBa9CQS5mo7MXffBhyphenhyphen77ozS-frp9wsss8UKfgIJqctD-5obS5xjLUR_zpKab7-7V4PWuU0jDhX/s320/Picture+013.jpg" border="0" /></a> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivS5q-Ihs8XLq_4nl75MAPvhJjeFNDs5ZkvkrURTr-q_-EusEjhbyLxacO-koJGinY_qqLVhQ_4k4beAazag61U-NnVXsA1qwx17OS4zCZ9SCCipU_IHrw8LqJj16uzbXsP8bVuMOjXgDB/s1600-h/Picture+065.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5318714896939292402" style="WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivS5q-Ihs8XLq_4nl75MAPvhJjeFNDs5ZkvkrURTr-q_-EusEjhbyLxacO-koJGinY_qqLVhQ_4k4beAazag61U-NnVXsA1qwx17OS4zCZ9SCCipU_IHrw8LqJj16uzbXsP8bVuMOjXgDB/s320/Picture+065.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><div><br /><br /></div><br /><br /><div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div>Kayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10706908994040931540noreply@blogger.com0